A significant part of coaching involves relationships. Because everyone
exists within relationship to others, how you make and maintain those connections is of paramount importance.
Whether you want to improve your work or personal relationships, these tips can help.
You have permission to reprint any article for nonprofit purposes
as long as it contains an author credit, copyright notice, and link to this web site.
Ethics and Your Relationships
Every time you turn around, there's evidence that individuals are taking short cuts to get ahead, even if it means they're trading in their ethics for blind ambition. Recently, a USA Today reporter came under fire for fabricating stories and plagiarizing some of his work. While the proverbial jury is still out on his case, it's just another example of a saddening trend that we have to recognize: our collective ethics may be out of control.
From the brouhaha of big business to the shenanigans of Martha Stewart, we can point fingers at the seeming breakdown of our basic principles and values. In our culture, money continues to be the watchword for all things holy. And to some, it doesn't much matter what they do to get it.
Whatever happened to honesty, integrity, and moral values? Have they gone the way of the horse and buggy, never to return? I like to think not.
As tough as it can be at times to maintain it, ethical behavior will always remain the best course of action. No matter if your neighbor, coworker, friend, and lover do otherwise, it behooves you to practice the highest level of behavior you can manage.
Now you might think that you'll get ahead faster and easier by taking unethical shortcuts that will catapult you to fame and fortune in record time. Nothing could be further from the truth! The more you practice dishonesty or uncaring behavior, the less likely you will be to achieve anything noteworthy.
On the other hand, being honest will ensure that you'll develop a reputation for being a trustworthy person, which will be to your ultimate benefit at work and in your private life.
So next time you dream about the millions of dollars coming your way from this or that enterprise, remember that authentic business and personal relationships are based on more important things that cannot be bought: truthfulness, generosity of spirit, and compassion. With or without the big bucks, at the end of the day you will have far more to offer the world by being a role model for the right kind of behavior.
© 2004 Kathy Sanborn
The Five Ways You Can Expand Love in Your Life
Here are some easy things to try in order to attract more love and joy into your life:
Give the gift of your time. In these days of not enough time and too much to do, plan to share an hour or two with someone who would appreciate it. It may be easy for you to make the excuse that you're too busy right now to spend time with friends or family, but the truth is your "busyness" may be keeping you from having fun with the ones who care about you the most.
Keep your heart open. It can be challenging to keep an open heart as you go about your life's journey, but it's important to maintain a sense of trust that everything is going according to a universal plan. You may not be able to know ahead of time what that plan is, but by keeping your heart open, you allow more love and positive events to flow into your life. Consider your feelings like a faucet - and keep the lines open instead of shut off.
Spend some quiet time alone each day. Even in the daily hustle and bustle, find some moments when you can sit and just let your mind drift. By allowing your mind to quiet down and rest, you'll be able to build stronger intuitive senses and release any fears that may be holding you back from experiencing a loving universe.
Share a kind word and a hug to those in need. Sometimes it can be hard to realize a person's frowning face has nothing to do with you or your actions, but is a symptom of his or her own challenging days. You can change someone's mood by your smile and generosity of spirit, just by taking the trouble to do so. Remember that you hold the power to bring more joy to those around you by the actions you decide to take.
Choose work that you truly enjoy. Because most of your days are taken up with the demands of your job or other responsibilities, it's crucial to select a career that will bring you happiness. Toiling away in work that is unrewarding or stress-filled eventually could create some challenges for you. If you choose work that you really love, your enthusiasm about it will transfer to others and end up bringing you more financial abundance and job satisfaction.
© 2004 Kathy Sanborn
Relationships at Work: The Female Barracuda
Here she comes down the hall . . .workers scurry when they see her, afraid she'll single them out for a new session of criticism or gossip. She's the female barracuda, ready to strike.
The female barracuda has it in for other women especially. Insecure around any other attractive woman, the barracuda will cause trouble by using her power or cunning to wreak havoc in coworkers' lives. Taking credit for other women's ideas, spreading malicious rumors, or setting up conflicts are her specialties du jour .
Her motives are based on one simple premise: she's the best, the brightest, and the most desirable -- and she'll make sure you know it.
Using her charms to get ahead is not beneath her in any way. The female barracuda will initiate an office romance with the purpose of making career headway. Her promotions can be frequent, and her rise to the top unparalleled. Thanks to her clever tactics, the barracuda can reach her career goals with unprecedented speed, her job skills having nothing to do with her success.
Ethics are a stranger to the female barracuda. Nothing is as important to her as power and prestige, and the person who stands in her way had better beware!
So if you run across a female barracuda at your workplace, avoid her if you can -- especially if you're a competent and attractive woman. You'll be prime competition.
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
Relationships at Work: The Narcissistic Employer
posted 7/11/03
Dr. Sam Vaknin, top expert on narcissism, is our special interview guest on relationships in the workplace.
Kathy: As you say in your articles and books, the "narcissistic employer" wants his or her employees to provide attention and approval -- to feed the narcissist's "grandiose self-image."
Sam: Yes. But after time, the employee, taken for granted by the narcissistic employer, becomes uninspiring as a source of adulation, admiration and attention. The narcissist always seeks new thrills and stimuli, and he's notorious for his low threshold of resistance to boredom.
Kathy: If you have a narcissistic employer, she could create problems for you on the job?
Sam: Yes. Narcissists forever shift the blame, pass the buck, and engage in cognitive dissonance. They foster feelings of guilt and shame in an employee, and demean, debase and humiliate in order to preserve their sense of grandiosity.
Narcissists are pathological liars. They think nothing of it because their very self is FALSE, an invention.
Kathy: How can you deal with your boss if you suspect he or she is a narcissist?
Sam: Here are a few useful guidelines:
· Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
· Never offer him any intimacy;
· Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
· Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity ("These are the BEST art materials ANY workplace is going to have", "We get them EXCLUSIVELY", etc.);
· Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgement, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked … made a mistake here … you don't know … do you know … you were not here yesterday so … you cannot … you should … " You get the gist of it.
Kathy: It sounds like if you have a narcissist for a boss, you may have a real challenge on your hands!
Sam: Narcissists cannot be "handled", or "managed", or "contained", or "channeled". In the long run, there is no enduring benefit to dancing with narcissists.
Sam Vaknin is the author of
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and
After the Rain - How the West Lost the East.
He is a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101 .
Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.
Visit Sam's web site .
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
Relationships at Work: The Troublemaker
posted 6/5/03
Relationship success at work is really quite simple from an ideal perspective. For instance, if you treat others the way you would like to be treated (The Golden Rule), you would be doing the right thing in most circumstances. But what happens when someone else doesn't practice that kind of thoughtful behavior towards you?
Continue to be a role model of kind behavior. Do not return rude or uncaring conduct with the same kind of negative behavior. Falling into another person's whirlpool of negativity only serves to bring you down, besides creating even more turmoil you don't need.
If at all possible, resolve your problem quickly. If the person causing trouble is your boss, you may have to sit down with him or her to explain your side of the issue. It's likely you could resolve the problem by airing it out. And if your boss is not receptive to resolving your concerns, you'll need to decide if it would be better for you to move on to another job.
Avoid spreading gossip about someone who is creating difficulty for you.
It may be tempting to badmouth a boss or coworker if you feel mistreated or ignored by her. Instead, strive to go about your business with grace and professionalism. Eventually, your positive behavior will win out -- besides, the uncaring person is probably already known to be a troublemaker, anyway!
Speak up about it. Maybe your cubicle mate has annoying habits that drive you crazy, but you're hesitant to make waves. It's usually better to come out with what's bothering you in a tactful way, rather than simmering in silence. Maybe he will make an effort to change his behavior. Isn't it worth a try?
Associate with other positive people. Find others at work who are friendly and upbeat, and spend time with them. Their good nature will rub off on you, and help you to stay positive about your own circumstances. After all, you deserve a happy and supportive work environment!
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
Relationships at Work: Office Romance
posted 5/12/03
An office romance could spell disaster for your career, or could turn out to be rewarding for you in many ways. Because about half of all employees are single and putting in many hours on the job, the office is the place most workers find their romantic partners.
In order to be successful at love in the workplace, there are some basic rules about office romance that you should know.
Be Friends First
Take your time in developing a friendship between you and a potential romantic partner. Rushing into something too soon can be a way to create problems for yourself at work. The more you know about what you're getting into, the better your chances to make it last.
Avoid Inappropriate Relationships
Flirting is the usual start to an office romance. Unfortunately, statistics show that married individuals usually find their extramarital relationships through innocent flirting at work, leading to affairs that can create negative repercussions for spouses and coworkers alike. If you're going to flirt, limit your activity to someone available.
Avoid a Relationship with Your Boss or Superior
Although one out of five women will have romance with their boss in order to get ahead on the job, be aware of the problems that might occur if you choose to do so. Complaints of favoritism or sexual harassment, unflattering gossip, and lowered productivity are all possibilities when you have a romance with a superior.
Consider What You Will Do If the Romance Ends
Most office romances last one year or more, with few negative repercussions. In fact, many people say they're willing to have another office love affair after experiencing their first workplace love relationship. That said, think about what you will do if your office romance ends. Could you work in the same place with an ex-lover without too much difficulty? Would you be willing to transfer or quit if the need arises?
Most Companies Have No Formal Workplace Romance Policy
Just because your office may not have a written relationship policy, you'll need to know the general office romance rules at your workplace. By being discreet and quiet about your office romance, you might be able to avoid troublesome issues down the road.
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
Relationships at Work: Taking the High Road
posted 4/12/03
Your work environment may be rampant with vicious gossip, snooty cliques, or nasty rivalries. Although negative workplace relationship behavior is common, you don't have to be a participant in it.
Taking the high road at work means you'll avoid getting mixed up in sending gossipy emails, spreading rumors about someone you don't like, telling a lie about a coworker in order to gain favor, or taking credit for the work of somebody else in the office.
The list of destructive work behavior actually practiced in the workplace is fairly extensive. Let's focus instead on the positive behavior you'll want to observe on a regular basis, keeping in mind that your workplace relationships can make or break your satisfaction on the job.
Practice honesty in your dealings with coworkers and clients.
You can't go wrong by being truthful as you perform your work and interact with coworkers and clients alike throughout the day. We've all heard about the companies that have cut corners and misrepresented the truth in order to acquire larger profits. There isn't a reason good enough to excuse unethical or hurtful behavior on the job.
Put Yourself in the Place of Others.
Next time you think about spreading a rumor or criticizing someone else behind her back, think about whether you'd want that kind of thing to happen to you. The higher road at work is to treat everyone else as you would like to be treated - it's as simple as that basic rule!
Create an Outstanding Reputation.
Having an excellent professional reputation is important for good camaraderie at work, and certainly helps when it's time for you to move up in the company. If you have taken any unprincipled shortcuts on the way to success, they could come back to haunt you at some point.
Get Along with Everyone.
The most important key to career success is your ability to get along with the people at work. Individuals who are able to fit in with the company by exhibiting a positive personality will be highly regarded at promotion time. Being flexible is another valuable trait to have in this era of rapid change.
Don't Play Favorites.
Be careful to treat your coworkers equally well, avoiding the temptation to play favorites because you like some people better than others. Even though you undoubtedly will make friends on the job, the workplace is not primarily a social club - the goal is to work together as a team to accomplish company objectives. This means you may be thrown in with persons you might not even like, but need to get along with just the same.
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
The Etiquette of Unemployment
posted 3/22/03
If you're out of work right now, how do you handle it around your family, friends, and professional network? Although you might be feeling embarrassed or hesitant to let others know about your present plight of being unemployed, author and career coach Kathy Sanborn says you need to share your predicament with people you know.
How do you tell people you are unemployed?
You need to let people know you are unemployed with honesty and directness, because your personal network is how you most likely will find your next job. In fact, 61% of people get jobs through word of mouth or networking. Your family and friends know that unemployment can happen to anyone in these times of economic challenge, so spread the word that you're looking for work.
How do you tell people you are looking for a job?
You can call the individuals in your current network to inform them about your situation. The best way to tell people you're looking for work is to be upfront about it without sounding needy or desperate. Good unemployment etiquette means being confident when you're around other people although you may be feeling anything but!
In addition, you'll want to increase the size of your network by making phone calls to set up informational interviews at companies you're interested in. Once you get your foot in the door, there may be a hiring opportunity down the road.
After every interview, send a brief thank-you note to the interviewer. A thank-you note is an important part of business etiquette in general. You may not get immediate employment by sending a thank-you note, but a position at the company may open up later that could be right for you. One job seeker got a new job because of a thank-you note he'd sent to a company months before!
When you go to an event and people ask what do you do, what do you say?
You could respond by mentioning your normal line of work, and not necessarily with the fact that you're not employed right now. Or you could say you're in the process of making a career change-which is true! Good unemployment etiquette means to be honest, but not to the point of putting yourself in an unnecessarily embarrassing position.
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
Flirting at Work: The New Way to Get Ahead?
posted 3/01/03
With good jobs a bit scarce in this economy, workers are trying new methods to win promotions and keep the positions they have. Flirting at work, though not an entirely new phenomenon, has experienced a recent upsurge as women try to move upward in a job market still predominated by men. Does flirting work to advance your career?
For women younger than thirty-five, flirting is just one more tool in the career toolkit. More and more, women are using the "attractiveness card" to get a foot in the door to a great job or promotion. 84% of women from ages 18-35 flirt at work. Even ten years ago, flirting was not considered acceptable corporate behavior, but with the new generation of workers, flirting is not only acceptable but also fun.
The young woman (18-35) is more apt to flirt with her coworkers or boss, while the mature woman (baby boomer age) is more inclined to stick to business.
One study found that 28% of working women surveyed had slept with a coworker, while 10% had slept with the boss. Only 12% of those who had an affair with their boss were promoted--not a good sign for women who want to get ahead by using their feminine wiles.
Women 18-35 tend to be freer when it comes to office romance, with 61% having slept with a coworker during their career.
Pitfalls of Flirting at Work
The main pitfall of flirting is the danger of taking it to the next step. Because husbands and wives, on average, spend only four minutes a day talking to each other, the door is wide open for a lonely spouse to find love at work. The thrill of an office flirtation can go from a harmless interaction to a heavy affair with all the trimmings. In fact, almost 75% of men and 50% of women in extramarital relationships began their affairs with a flirtation at work.
Flirting at work can do more harm than good if it's selective in nature. Only flirting with the boss, for example, can lead to office gossip and accusations of favoritism.
Some male coworkers become angry when they see a woman getting ahead by using her flirtation skills. They don't think it's fair that a woman can use her looks and charm to gain an advantage. Other men believe it's okay for women to use what they have to get ahead.
By using a flirtatious business style, you run the risk of not being taken seriously by clients and coworkers alike. If you do choose to flirt at work, be careful that your intent is understood. Some men get an inaccurate message when a woman uses her charm, and believe that she's interested in romance when she's just flirting.
Modern companies don't frown on office romance as much as they once did. Offices have become the main place to meet romantic partners because of the sheer number of hours people spend on the job. About 50% of employees are single, and the office is a natural spot to hook up with a mate. It is still a problem for individuals involved in relationships with subordinates, however -- it's usually best for one of the partners in that kind of relationship to transfer to another position or office.
Flirting Don'ts:
Avoid an inappropriate sexual entanglement at work. If you do get involved, be prepared to deal with any problems that could occur after the relationship ends.
Flirting isn't sex -- but teasing can lead to problems with sexual harassment and a host of other difficulties. Make sure you are very clear about your intentions.
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
Your Valentine Wish
posted 2/01/03
Traditionally, Valentine's Day is an occasion to show your loved ones how much you care, complete with the usual gifts of chocolates and heartfelt cards. Besides being a commercial bonanza, Valentine's Day can be your own time for reviewing your relationships and, if need be, making a wish list for change.
Maybe you have a particular wish for 2003 when it comes to your relationships. If you currently are waiting for a special someone to enter your life, make a list of the kinds of characteristics you'd like this person to have. Examples of important traits to include are: honesty, kindness, loyalty, generosity, and so on. You might even include pursuits or hobbies that your ideal partner would have, such as music, hiking, or cooking. Your wish list can be as short or as long as you desire.
Why should you make a list of your future partner's characteristics? There are a couple of reasons: You can discover exactly what you're seeking in a partner by specifying his or her ideal traits; and you can set the wheels in motion to bring a partner into your life by writing down your goal and focusing on it.
Perhaps your wish list includes patching up a relationship that has gone awry at some point. The same principle applies: put your wish down on paper first, to make it a measurable, objective goal. More than likely, you will want to take action on your goal by reaching out to the person with whom you need to smooth things over, either with a phone call or a visit. It's possible that the other individual will respond with a lack of interest in mending or renewing the relationship. In that case, it may be best to move on, knowing that you did the best you could to patch things up.
This Valentine's Day, cherish the relationships you already have, even as you make your Valentine's wish for new or more loving relationships. No matter how few they might be in number, your close relationships are worth more than you can measure.
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
Make 2003 the Year for Improving Your Relationships!
posted 1/02/03
Now that 2003 has arrived, bringing with it new opportunities for success and happiness, you have the chance to make your relationships blossom as never before.
Whether you wish to mend a troubled relationship or to meet someone new, make 2003 the year you work on your goal. Sit down and write out your relationship goals for the year. Next, brainstorm how you can accomplish those objectives. Make a list of possible actions you could take to get the ball rolling.
If your desire to achieve your goal is strong enough, you will put forth substantial mental and physical effort to accomplish your aims.
Focus on your goal by keeping it in front of you often. Post it on a piece of paper or a sticky note, displaying it where your eyes will spot it during the day.
The power of mental focus cannot be ignored. Your mind works like a marvelous helper, drawing to you new opportunities and people at the right time. For example, if you are waiting for new love to enter your life, know that it will happen at the right moment, but keep active in order to broaden your chances to meet someone. A combination of listening to your feelings and taking action on them will be a powerful aid to attracting new love.
If you need to patch up a relationship, the same principle applies. Focus on your goal of mending the rift, and follow your feelings on how to accomplish it. You may have to reach out to see if the other person will meet you halfway. And sometimes, no matter what you do, the other person may choose not to respond. When you know that you've done all you can do to repair the relationship, move on - and leave the ball in the other individual's court.
© 2003 Kathy Sanborn
Five Tips for Better Relationships
posted 12/09/02
Outstanding work and personal relationships have many factors in common. Any relationship that is worthwhile has qualities of integrity, trust, and compassion. By using the following tips, you can promote more positive relationships in your own life.
Practice the highest behavior you can in your interactions with others.
Be honest in all of your business and personal dealings, not only to get ahead on the job but because being ethical is important. Don't believe that because some people are unethical, you need to jump on the bandwagon, too.
In your work and personal relationships, you'll want to keep confidences private - leaking someone's secrets can take away your credibility as a trustworthy person.
Your word is your bond.
Make sure that you follow through on what you say you will do. Any empty promises may end a relationship before it starts. Keep criticizing and gossiping about others to a minimum. The old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," is true! Your words carry a lot of weight, so use them wisely.
Like attracts like.
People flock to those with similar attributes. Undoubtedly, you are observed at work and at play - others judge your clothing, general appearance, personality, and professionalism everywhere you go. If you hold yourself to a high standard of excellence, you generally will attract people with comparable qualities.
You're complete as you are.
It's a myth that you need to have a partner in your life in order to be considered whole. You are already complete exactly as you are. A love relationship does not mean two halves becoming one whole, but two whole individuals acting in concert. Pairing up simply for the sake of having a mate by your side will not ensure a feeling of being complete -- the feeling of completeness comes from the absolute knowledge that you are perfectly whole at every moment.
You have a choice about your relationships.
If a relationship doesn't seem to be working out, give yourself permission to withdraw from it. You deserve to be with individuals who are kind, supportive, and honest - anything less won't suit you. Take steps to clear your life of any troublesome relationships.
It's never about the quantity of relationships you have, but the quality of them. A few close connections are much more valuable than a hundred remote
acquaintances.
© 2002 Kathy Sanborn
